I hate being weak you know? The feeling of being totally incapable of doing anything on your own. The feeling of knowing no matter what you do it will only turn out bad. To the world it sounds as though I’m negative, pesstimistic if you will. To myself I am exhausted of carrying, done trying to do it on my own strength, trying to figure it all out. I’m done. Be still and know that I’m God has such a resounding sound inside and out. How can I be still? I’m supposed to know my five year plan, have a degree, have my independance. Be okay that I’m alone, and that I can do it on my own. Wow! What a horrible thought. You know the funny thing is this is what I was trained. This is what the world taught me. It’s amazing to me how opposite the world is to the Lord. Where they have it all together I am broken. I have a confession I must say. I’m weak. I don’t have a clue what my five year plan is. I can’t be alone longer than a couple of days before I freak out. I’m not independant. I will never be able to be okay with being alone. My father told me three years ago while we were sitting down for lunch that it just takes time to become content being alone, and boy did I try. I did everything, I put on a show so the world could see my smile. I hit a shocking reality yesterday that without the body of Christ I am lost. I am on my death bed and they are my oxygen tank, my blood beating through my heart, every blink I experience. I am a procland doll about to be broke, but the body of Christ are the arms that hold me. I herd a wise man say once that he didn’t want to be drunk of pride, but to become drunk in his weakness, and that’s what I am. My weakness is the only thing I find beautiful now, liberating, finally coming to my home. Like Paul said that in his weakness Christ is strong. All in all I’m glad I’m weak, I’m glad I’m broken because I love the Lord so much, and he becomes sweeter and sweeter each day. I finally realized that there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just apart of the beautiful bride of my best friend Jesus Christ, and I must say It’s so good to be home…

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